today is the tomorrow of yesterday, this week is the next week of last week, this month is the next month of last month and this year is the next year of last year.
I will never forget what happened last night.
i can say that last night was really a turning point in my life, because i felt God’s love for me and i was so filled with the spirit and i was being led. yesterday everything clicked. and yesterday i felt like i was born again, i felt God’s grace over me.
this is a commitment i will keep. im a senior now. how do i want to spend this last year of highschool?
i want to glorify You and spread the love of Christ over the school.
how can anyone truly understand or explain friendship? Ill never be able to understand the full story of anyone’s friendships-how they came to be, how close they are, how much they know about each other. and after countless tries I still can’t explain my friendships that I’ve built for years to anyone. no one can really tell you that the friends you hang out with are not “good” friends because no one will ever really understand you and your relationship with your friend. idk this just clicked in my head
i just want a longboard. it dont matter if its walmart brand i just want one. it dont matter whether its a penny or a cruiser or anything idc. i just want oneso i can ride it around my neighborhood and maybe to church and sometimes to school. ride it to target. to publix. to anywhere….
but i cant bc my speeding ticket is very, very expensive.
im so scared of rejection that it’s not even funny. im scared to hear what i dont want to hear. so i always have unanswered questions in my head and they aren’t helping me feel any better. what i dont understand is why? why am i so afraid? why cant i be bold? so frustrating.
im scared to talk to you because im afraid to hear things like “im sorry” “i messed up” “i didnt mean it.”
lol whatever though.
but the kid that was suicidal? he found a job and found support from many people. PRAISE THE LORD
the series of events that happened today were so real.
so today i was at my pool. and a friend told me that he wasn’t in the mood and asked me if i could take him home. so i said okay, ill take ya. and so i dropped him off and i was on my way to my pool. but when i was on my way i saw my friend on the side of the road, just sitting there. and as i was passing him i felt God really tugging at my heart and telling me that i needed to talk to him. and honestly i really didnt want to because i wanted to go to the pool and have fun, but how can i say no when this feeling was so real? and so i made a U-turn and parked my car in this neighborhood and ran out to him. but when i got on the sidewalk he was already walking away…but i stilll knew that i needed to talk to him. and so i called out his name a couple times and finally he turned around. then i told him to come so we could talk. and he did, and we started talking.
i asked him if there was anything wrong, and he said “yeah, my parents are getting in a divorce, my dad is an alcoholic and he beats us all the time, i have 2 little brothers that won’t be having a dad, and honestly im just in a really dark place.” and so i told him that in the back of my mind i actually knew something was going on, because God wanted me to talk to you so badly. and i was jsut saying that God loves him and that he should really look to God for help. then he suddenly said that he really needed to go, and so i offered him a ride. but he said no and he hugged me and said thank you and left. then i had a great time at the pool and went home.
when i got home i got a text from him saying “THhanks man. you saved me from doing a very very stupid thing today. I was actually on my way to kill myself. ive just been in a really dark place for a while. it was nice to hear someone care.”
if thats not God, what is it? a crazy coincidence?
reality is getting to me and things that i avoided are now right in my face. and again i had to find out about something in my family today. it really sucks being the youngest in the family because everything is kept away from you. i know that im maturing and growing up but my family still treats me like a baby, but gives me adult responsibilities. it’s not fair that i have to find everything out. so apparently my family’s been planning on something that’d totally change my life completely without telling me. also they’ve actually been talking about it for a couple of months and the only reason i know is because i overheard them talking about it. its not fair that i dont have a say in anything they do. i know that i should be thankful for my family and i know that they all care for me, but i also know what’s best for myself and what’s best for the family. for the longest time i thought our family was prefect and that our family was tight and loving. for the longest time i thought of my family as the “ideal family”. and i want to keep thinking that. but
today’s been a very……weird day. i really hate having to learn the same lesson more than once, and i hate seeing people learning the same lesson more than once. why not just learn the first time? maybe 2 times is fine, but why do you keep doing what you’re doing if you know you’re going to regret it later? isn’t that just logic? is what you’re doing right now worth the regret later? i’ve been thinking lately and i really do depend on some people for my happiness. but shouldn’t God be sufficient? i think so. i think God is telling me that only He can be trusted and that only He won’t change, because that’s just the straight up fact. i fought the good fight today, and though i lost i know that God was with me. i think today i really experienced what it means to love the church and to love everyone in it. im so vulnerable right now, and these past weeks i’ve learned SO much about God and it’s crazy. i learned my lessons the hard way and though it sucked i think it’ll stick with me for a while. i really don’t know what to think. but i’m convinced that im just one person of the 7 billion. just that.
i honestly think you’re making the same mistakes i’ve made, but i dont want to stop you because the only way humans learn their lessons is through learning them the hard way. knowledge of life only comes from experience, not from an experienced person telling you of their experience. i believe that everyone has a state of mind and everyone is unique in their own ways and their experiences can be drastically different than mine, or yours, or anyone else’s.
it is really messed up to keep people on chains because you’re being selfish and you’re waiting for your heart to be ready. why should they suffer and go through these unnecessary emotions for someone that’s not even sure what to do?
bestfriends should never have to apologize to each other because bestfriends always have something to thank each other for.
and now, everything goes back to where it started. lets not let this cycle go again
Im bad at is calling people out. Im really good with talking about someone behind their backs but to confront someone is really hard for me. I only call peiple out personally if theyre a very, very close friend or if I literally dont give a ball of what they think of me. This is one of the only things in bad at
Man oh man…. until last week I was failing 3 classes. I also had a C. And one A and one B.
By next thursday ill have 2As and 4bs. Ill take that because I honestly slacked the whole year and I’m undeserving of good grades.
Human exam tmw. Just gonna wing it amd hope for dat 5 hahahahahahhaha
as i take things in and live everyday like a machine, i feel lost. for sure many things are going on…but…i just don’t worry about them anymore. i guess im happy, because i have no worries, no discipline. im only happy because i allowed myself to let go of everything that gives me stress. ie school and “friends”. i guess i like to be independent with my problems…because i can tell myself lies to make myself feel better. i know that if i keep doing what im doing im just going to end up to become a bum and a failure. my passion for drums is slowly fading. i hate the idea of not having a band. a band strives to become better and better as musicians, but i have no one that motivates me to become better. its merely a hobby that i enjoy doing from time to time. for some reason i feel like crap writing this tumblr post, because for a while i never really looked into my heart. my heart is so dirty.
idk how i have friends. idk how people can take someone like me as their peer and have me around them. honestly im fake to almost all my friends. i want to be accepted. i want them to like me, but why……. i dont need them.. im basically using them for my own entertainment. there are some people that i jsut want to talk to every second of everyday, and there are some people that i can only talk to once or twice a week. and it always seems like my closer friends are the ones i talk to the least. i feel like my closer friends are leaving my life.
my heart’s going crazy. i judge so easily. how can you say one thing and do exactly the opposite? how can you make the same mistake more than twice? why is the lesson never learned? why are you so dumb?
why is it that the people i want are outside of my reach? i feel like i want them more because they are outside of my reach. i have to try so hard to have them in my life that they become more special or more important than my friends here. how come i care so much for people that i might see once or twice a year? how can i love someone that i can only see in occasions? i really do miss joon. i really, really miss joon.
i hate……how people judge me. i hate how they tell me that im doing something wrong. i hate people that put me down. i want to fight them all.
i just want someone that would listen. someone that would listen and just say “i understand” i dont need your bullcrap response of “i know what you mean. all you gotta do is ___________” “oh i know exactly what youre going through.” no, youre not gonna tell me what to do nor are you gonna tell me that you know exactly what im going through. i hate people who dont apologize. is sorry that hard to say? “sorry that was my fault” why is that so hard to say? i hate it when people assume crap from me. especially people who barely know me.
i guess ihavent vented in a while.
i have so much hatred in my heart. i am so lazy. i am so tired.
a couple days back my mom and I were talking about college. I told her my plan and stuff. and as I was telling her this “plan” she interrupted me and asked if I minded going to a college in New York. and I was just like….wtf and said “if I get in I guess”. then she told me when I graduate there is a good chance shes going to move to New York. I was caught so off guard because when I asked about the family she told me it’d only be me and her. she said this might not happen but she’s really thinking about it and I should too. but I’m scared what would happen to the family after my mom and I move out. what is a family if we’re not together? what is a marriage if the two of them don’t live together? sighhh
was such a rollercoaster. speaking of rollercoasters im gonna be riding some in spring break.
anyways. i can’t express in words of the sorrow and disappointment i felt tonight. i really never felt anything like it, because i really didnt expect to see what i saw. i felt my heart literally breaking and it really didnt feel good. that was the first time where my heart felt numb. my whole body didn’t really function too well and it was risky driving. i literally went like 30mph all the way home. i felt like throwing up and i felt as if the whole world literally fell on my face.
there was a secret that was kept from me. i really hate the fact that im still treated as a baby. actually i dont mind my mom kissing me and my dad looking over everything i do, but i hate the fact that im never in tune with my family. all i know about my family are the good things, because all the bad things are kept away from me. they think i cant understand because im young, but really im not that young anymore. i deserve to know certain things and having to find out instead of being told sucks.
as soon as i found out i was freaking out and i couldnt really think straight and all i could do was break, but when i came home and i watched my family be happy, i was happy. i was so happy that we are a family and that we will always love each other no matter what. im so blessed to have a family, a home, food, water, etc. im so glad that my parents are who they are and im so glad that i am a part of the family.
i love my parents. my dad is so sensitive and its kinda cute. i think i might be less sensitive than my dad, because literally EVERYTHING affects him. haha. and my mom……..shes kinda the best.
why am I so scared to live out my faith? I want to be shameless, but then again, how will I give up all of the world? to follow Him I need to give up so many things…..but Jesus gave up his life for me. why can’t I sacrifice things I love to live out the life that was meant for me from God? selfishness and pride kill me. I tell God I need directions. but the thing is I know where my first step is, I’m just too afraid to take it. what if I’m not ready yet?
I’m so tired. but I have a human test tomorrow that I kiiiiinda need an A on. but whateves gnight
the best thing anyone could have is originality. just original in their own ways, where no one is the same as them.
whether dumb or smart, rich or poor, black or white…
a person should be original and live in their original ways without conforming to society. but everyone’s too afraid to do that because of judgement, me included.
i only care for things that are absolutely necessary to care for? i know it’s bad that I only care of what just happened just because it’s my dad. literally of anybody else said the same exact thing, I literally wouldn’t give one, two, or three freaks about it. and is it bad that I want to leave this house because I hate having to care to do things I don’t want to do? I mean I know what I’m doing and stuff and indont wanna have to worry about shinanagans. but obviously that’s very selfish. I just hate being in this situation.
priorities: Costa rica missions……..AND THATS ABOUT IT
jobs: lifetime daycare/babysit/takingcareofkids and bookmeiser.
and the cool thing about lifetime daycare/babysit/takingcareofkids is that…though you get paid minimum wage, you get a free membership!! i cant wait to make money and have 100 dollars or more to spend a week. omg
to this day I confuse reality with dreams, or dreams with reality. it really sucks when I have an awesome dream and I think it’s the reality. but when I have bad dreams, I’m so glad that it was only a dream. my dreams have been all over the place. but with all
the hectic things going on in my dreams, I still love it because everything I want.
i’ve been realllll happy. haha. i think quitting league is helping me a lot. though i still think about it everyday and get tempted to play, the fact that im fighting my urges and my selfishness helps me to become a better person. i’ve had so much work the last couple of weeks and honestly it sucks so much. but at the same time i havent had this intimate relationship with God is so long that eveyrthing seems to be fine.
i kinda really wanna go to state. live in the cities.
I kinda want to give up. I feel as if I’m the only one trying. honestly speaking, I’ve never had a friend like you. I’ve never met anyone like you and it makes me mad how…you say one thing and act the other. i mean, at least to certain point…I want to see you work for it but you won’t.
whatever. I had such a good week filled with SO MUCH WORK. ive never had so much school work. I can’t wait for fca tomorrow.
God is so good to me.